“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
– Anaïs Nin.
In every human interaction, we face a choice: Do we validate and accept another person’s reality, or do we require them to conform to ours? Anaïs Nin’s wisdom reminds us that we each carry our own lens – shaped by experience, circumstance, and perspective – through which we interpret the world. Recognizing this truth becomes the foundation for genuine connection. This core decision influences not only our relationships but also our ability to form authentic bonds in all aspects of our lives.
Learning to See People as They Are
In my world, this most meaningful lesson in acceptance came to me through my caregiving journey with my wife, Peggy. As dementia started to reshape her reality, I realized that there were times when connection mattered more than perception.
One afternoon, Peggy spoke once again of her long-deceased mother, Gladys, as if she were living with us and had just stepped out to go shopping. The old me would have gently corrected her, reminded her of the truth, and anchored her to undeniable facts and rigid timelines. But that day, I tried a different approach.
“Can you tell me about Gladys?” I asked. “What’s your fondest memory of your mother?”
Her eyes lit up. For the next twenty minutes, Peggy shared vivid memories of Sunday dinners and country walks, her voice steady and confident. In that moment, she was neither a dementia patient nor lost in a fog of uncertainty. She was simply a daughter, speaking fondly of her mother.
When we accept someone’s dissimilar perspective or reality, we validate not just their viewpoint. By taking their words at face value, we also respect the person saying them, acknowledge their uniqueness, and foster an environment in which they feel genuinely valued and heard.
The Universal Language of Understanding
Yet, the significance of validation extends well beyond the boundaries of caregiving and dementia. We encounter similar choices of acceptance versus correction throughout our daily lives.
The teenager who believes the world is ending because of a failed test.
The colleague who is overwhelmed by seemingly manageable tasks.
The friend who processes grief on a timeline that doesn’t match our expectations.
The partner whose fears may seem irrational to us but feel overwhelming to them.
Each encounter presents the same choice: Should we validate their experience as they live it, or try to edit their story to match our perspective?
Validation doesn’t need agreement — it involves understanding. It says, “Your feelings are real. Your perspective has value. Your experience matters. You are not alone in this moment.” This is the key difference between being heard and being corrected, between being witnessed and being fixed.
Creating Supportive Places in Ordinary Moments
When we choose to accept, we create something special in everyday life: a supportive place where another person can be themselves without judgment. We become witnesses to their humanity instead of editors of their story.
In our families, validation might mean acknowledging a child’s disappointment without immediately offering solutions. At work, it could involve recognizing a colleague’s stress before rushing to fix the problem. In friendships, it may mean sitting with someone’s pain without minimizing or endeavoring to fix it.
Turning Pain into Wisdom
For caregivers, validation often begins as a difficult necessity by recognizing that you cannot argue with altered realities. But hidden in that challenge lies an unexpected gift: discovering a universal skill.
The patience developed through sitting with confusion becomes the foundation for being present in everyday conversations.
The acceptance fostered when dealing with an unforgiving disease becomes the basis for embracing others’ imperfections.
The love that learns to meet someone in their altered reality sets an example for meeting everyone precisely where they are.
The Ripple Effect of Recognition
This shift in perspective turns personal struggles into universal wisdom. The caregiver who learns to validate a loved one’s changing reality also learns to validate a teenager’s intense emotions, a spouse’s work frustrations, or a friend’s relationship concerns. The skill becomes versatile, enriching every interaction.
In our rush to help, solve, or fix things, we often forget that the most genuine gift we can give isn’t our solutions, it’s simply recognizing that someone else’s reality, no matter how different from ours, deserves respect.
Love as Acceptance
Sometimes love isn’t exhibited by incorporating a person into our world, but by bravely entering theirs. Whether we’re sitting with a loved one who no longer perceives time linearly, listening to a child’s fears that seem exaggerated from our adult view, or supporting a friend through a crisis we can’t fully grasp, validation offers the same gift: the deep human need to be seen, accepted, and valued just as we are.
The lessons I learned during those tender moments with Peggy – such as realizing that we can’t argue with altered realities and that meeting people where they are fosters a deeper connection than correction ever could – remain a lasting gift. They remind me, and perhaps all of us, that even our toughest struggles can become sources of wisdom, helping us transform pain into greater love and understanding in all our human relationships.
By Graham Bousfield
Graham Bousfield cared for his wife, Peggy, with dementia for many years. Now he gives back by serving as a Duet mentor. His personal mission is to serve others navigating life’s quiet reckoning after loss. © 2025 ByLogic, Inc. Gratefully shared with Duet: Partners in Health & Aging™
