Published in the Arizona Republic, November 2025
November celebrates both Alzheimer’s Awareness and National Family Caregivers Month. This coincides perfectly as family caregivers provide over 11 million unpaid hours of care in the U.S. alone! And as caregivers we face not only physical and cognitive challenges ourselves as we try to meet our loved ones where they are in their journey, we also find our stress levels soaring when overwhelmed with juggling multiple demands from various directions. And this is where the need for a time-out is critically necessary. However self-care looks to you, even small moments make a big difference. Whether it’s exercise, sitting in nature, quiet time, jamming your music, prayer or a bubble bath – both grace and self-awareness that you need a break absolutely need to enter your world.
Remember that dementia is brain failure. The brain cells are dying and so too are the skills that were embedded in those cells. Even when our loved ones can’t remember something from a minute ago, they remember emotional memories. We didn’t just take away the keys to the car two years ago; we took away the keys to their independence! That memory is locked in solidly. So let the doctor handle that conversation and those keys, not you.
What if you’re consistently being accused of cheating? Do a deep dive if it doesn’t come quickly to you, and review your loved one’s life? Did their first spouse cheat on them? Did a parent or grand-parent walk out of the familial picture? Maybe a first love cheated on them? Typically (probably 90%+ in my experiences) there’s a history of betrayal. And it comes up as the mind often will time-travel to an earlier stage in their life when the emotions were raw and real. Validate the feeling. Look into their eyes and hold their hand, “I’m so sorry you feel sad. That must feel awful. I would never do that to you. I love you.” To support your words when you go out, bring fun, simple surprises home for them…. a single flower, their favorite donut, or a love note. Court them; a warm hug and a little kiss go a long way. Share a chocolate kiss along with a real one if you have to leave, and another when you get back. Reinforce your love now.
“I want to go home,” is another common theme. Please don’t tell your person they are home. It’s an automatic and reflexive response, makes sense to us, and is truthful. However, ‘home’ isn’t necessarily a physical place, but more an emotional feeling of warmth, comfort, safety. There is some level of stress in their world, and we need to figure it out. Try asking what they want to do there with only two options? For instance, “Do you need to do something there, or are you tired?” “Do you have an appointment there, or something else?” It may take a few tries. Often this tactic helps you weed out options as you try to pinpoint an end result they are hoping to feel good about. If they’re walking out the door with a packed suitcase, ask where they’re going and how they are getting there. Ask if you can join them. You’ll usually get permission, if not ask for it. Make it sound fun to be together. Walk out the door with them and stop after a little bit and change the cadence and inflection of your voice… (we’re trying to snap their brain into a different mode.) “Ooh… I’m thinking about it, you have a suitcase and I don’t. Would you help me out? Come in with me and help me pack.” Redirect. Once you’re back in the house, you can have another “ooh” moment where you need their help. Again, redirect. Our brains respond positively to being asked for help because they recognize that we recognize that they have skill. And most of us are typically very willing to help others. We just struggle with asking others to help us.
We need to untangle these knots of anxiety, misperception, and hurt with honesty, authenticity, love, patience and plenty of validation and heartfelt apologies. We may not have done anything wrong but sharing your empathy and understanding that the situation stinks is the first step in true connection. Allowing someone to express what they’re feeling and agreeing with their perception is powerful and effective when done from the heart. The apology (read validation) that what they’re feeling and experiencing is real, is the cherry on top. The brain registers the words “I’m sorry” and begins to settle down.
When we make ourselves vulnerable to someone, it allows them to see us as equals, not a power-partner with an agenda. When we focus on the person and not the task we are at the pinnacle of true connection. These become the magical moments that change the tension in the room to the love in the room. It’s always there, but it can be seen and felt much easier when we’re on the same page. People living with dementia can read non-verbal and body language very astutely almost to the end of life. Tuck that in your memory bank because it gives you an edge on how to move forward the next time you’re stuck in a challenging moment.
By Elaine Poker-Yount
Elaine Poker-Yount is an Aging and Dementia Care Educator/Specialist at Successful Aging AZ. Her columns are featured monthly in The Arizona Republic.
